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The degree to which we can enjoy effective communicate at home and work depends on our habits. Look over the past 24 hours and think about the conversations that ended abruptly or in anger. If you're willing to look closely, you may find what most people do. 98% of their communication breakdowns habitually occur in the same situations. Most people assume it's the other person that causes their conversations to come to such frustrating stops (picture rival co-workers, personality clashes with spouse, and sibling rivalries you referee).
by JohnMReisinger
The degree to which we can enjoy effective communicate at home and work depends on our habits. Look over the past 24 hours and think about the conversations that ended abruptly or in anger. If you're willing to look closely, you may find what most people do. 98% of their communication breakdowns habitually occur in the same situations. Most people assume it's the other person that causes their conversations to come to such frustrating stops (picture rival co-workers, personality clashes with spouse, and sibling rivalries you referee).
Most of us never stop to think about the role our habits play when we're kneed deep in an argument, manipulating others to do what we want, or taking comments personally. That's because once habits are formed they are run unconsciously. Since we learn most of these habits in our youth, people assume what triggers them is just a part of who they are. Unfortunately, the hard-wired strategies we use when conversations start to breakdown unintentionally adds more conflict. By recognizing which of the 3 habits below are running your conversations, Communication Frustration can be sidestepped and connection can occur.
Habit #1 - Moralistic Judgments
This habit implies wrongness or badness with people who don't act according to our values and desires. The habit of moralistic judgements includes language such as "You're selfish", "He's lazy", "They're jealous", "She's not smart", "It's inappropriate", "That's rude", "That's not right", "That's wrong", "They're bad people", "She's a good person". Other forms of judgements include blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticisms, and diagnoses. The focus of moralistic judgements is always on who IS what by classifying, labeling, and dichotomizing people and their actions.
Habit #2 - Comparing Self and Others
Pointing out how someone is deficient or lacking in some way are the focal points when making comparisons. Other ways of making comparisons are "You always", "He could never", "She deserves better", "I'll do it myself", "You're not fair" , "I'll never be like", "It wasn't meant to be". Making comparisons is very concerned with rationalizing who deserves what. Determined by what happens to us and those we care for.
Habit #3 - The Habit of Denying Personal Responsibility
The aim of this habit is to persuade others we aren't responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and actions with obscure language that shifts our personal responsibility to other people. More forms of denying personal responsibility include phrases like "I have to", "You make me feel", "I need to", "It's not my fault", "I was told to", "I really should", "You know I can't", "That's not our policy", "The rules say". We deny personal responsibility when we assume a lack of choices for events and behaviors we want others to believe we were powerless to control.
It's not a matter of if we do these things, but the degree to which we all do them. How are these habits showing up in your life? Are you comparing and manipulating to get your spouse, children, and co-workers to do what you want? Are you denying responsibility for your thoughts and feelings? Are you making others responsible for your actions and commitments? Are you using company policies, rules, and management to deny responsibility? Remember you're not broken, but your strategies may be.
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