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6 Unintentional Ways People Sabotage Effective Communication

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Written by John M Reisinger

Thursday, 03 April 2008

by JohnMReisinger

There are 3 unconscious habits that block effective communication: Making moralistic judgements, Making Comparisons and Denying Personal Responsibility. In a previous article I gave examples of how these create Communication Frustration for everyone involved. This article will show you the other forms those habits can take with spouses, children, friends, and co-workers.

1. Giving Analyses: Whenever we think we know why something was said or done based on our opinions we are analyzing. Here's what my wife and I experienced. Whenever Kay would single she wanted affection that I wasn't giving her I'd call her "needy and dependent". Whenever I wanted affection Kay wasn't giving I'd call her "selfish and insensitive". As we studied compassionate communication we both realized our analyses were actually expressions of what we both wanted and needed.

2. Confusing Morals and Values: Value judgements determine the qualities we value in life; for example we might value honesty, freedom, peace, or learning . These always reflect our beliefs of how life can best be served. Moralistic judgements are against people and behaviors that don't support our value judgements, e.g. "Violence is bad, People who kill others are evil". Learning to go from "Violence is bad" to "I'm fearful of the use of violence to solve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means" was tough for Kay and I. Because, for us, the confusion over morals and values was most predominant at church where we were active members.

3. Manipulation: Is when we are trying to make others unwillingly do what we want. Manipulation never works because counterproductive emotions like fear or anger are not expressed verbally but in how the person performs what is being demanded, if they perform at all. Things Kay and I discovered: Kay telling me how her best friend's hubby is such a handy man never made me cut the grass when or how she wanted. Me telling my son Mitchell, with dyslexia, how his older gifted brother JD taught himself to read never got Mitchell to read faster. Even if you have good intentions (like we thought we did) manipulations are guaranteed to wound yourself and others deeply.

4. Philosophy and Politics: Your view of the world around is your philosophy. How you live it is your Politics. Kay and I learned our Philosophy and Politics were creating unintentional conflicts and costing us missed friendships and opportunities to be curious about new ideas. When most people are in conflicts over Philosophy or Politics it's because they are often attempting to compare the importance of their moral judgments by calling them facts.

5. Actions of Others: This is when we actually shift responsibility based on other's behavior. Lessons we learned: Me telling Kay I yelled at the boys because they had bad manners at the table makes the boys responsible for my outburst. Me accepting a last minute golfing invitation with my friends when I promised to hang out with the kids makes my friends responsible for my commitments. Other examples you might encounter include: "I lied to the client because my boss told me too", "I hate going to work, but I do it because I'm a husband and father.", "I stayed late at work because my boss said to". We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.

6. Policies and Rules: This is when we shift responsibility to those in authority and unexamined procedures. Examples you might encounter would be "I have to suspend your son because it's the school policy", "I'm not authorized to help you", "The computer says", "My boss would kill me", "Our policy is not to make exceptions", "My boss says", "We've always done it that way". Responsibility shifted to policies, rules, and management does not validate the behavior.

Changing old habits isn't easy. Whatever you do, have compassion with yourself and others. You are not broken, You do not need fixing, and there is nothing wrong about you. Focus by looking when these habits pop up and create Communication Frustration in your daily experience. Patiently observe your interactions. Ask your spouse, children, friends, and co-workers if they see these habits showing up in your conversations with them.

About the Author:

Life Strategist John Reisinger, can help you develop remarkably effective communication skills. Deepen your conversations at home and work and experience Remarkable Living.

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